bleak but blessed.

i have been crying. i fully admit it. i have the pain in my eye and the soreness in my throat.
i have also been laughing, inside, in the places where real joy is possible. it is not a contradiction to do both. in fact it is the hallmark of what one of my flamingoes calls "truthfools". those of us that have foolishly committed our lives to the idea and reality that truth is knowable and doable on this side of existence. so i have been crying and laughing over the woman i love and the very real possibilty that i have lost her forever. it is a bleak but blessed time.
it is bleak because i am wrestling with career decisions, personal foibles and the loss of the certainty of the beautiful woman who spent two months boldly by my side in everything and whom i still hope to share life with.
blessed because of the word hope. the idea that my character is setting, that i am learning from my many mistakes, that i am being shown my real humble state so i can finally encounter the five fingers of grace. blessed because of faith. the idea that God is working me out and walking with me. that He is the ultimate decider of my fate, that i am not the victim of random happenstance. that my tears mean something to him and they count in his eternal book and its eternal story playing out in the great hall of lovely potraits. blessed because love is the final silver lining and it does not fail. it is up and about and it only breaks your heart to renew it and set it off into the full experience of living. i am laughing through the tears because this is only a day in the life of being and finally we will, if we accept that blessing and are given the grace to, we will step into that day that never ends. to live in the love of japan forever.