the bus-stop...connecting again.

Those strands of brown-flecked hair, that presence never barely there

The full woman before my eye

Moonshine illumination for those that are blind

And there i sit, learning again, how to love and be received

What to sieve, that there is nothing to withhold

And everything to give.

 

So we sit

My fingers brush beautiful hair

They settle and rest beneath her ear

I just want her to hear

My heart and me

Beat in tune

For her

We make it happen again

The magic, rain, alchemy, 52 and all other numbers

The    bunking of the soul

Inner leading to outer

New places for ancient water.

 

   So we sit

My fingers brush beautiful hair

They settle and rest beneath her ear

I just want her to hear

My heart and me

Beat in tune

For her

 

And when she leaves I watch her go

I am not sad or fed up

I am perfectly content to see her free

She is teaching me how to love

Completely free of the unfounded need

And ungrounded me.

So we sit

My fingers brush beautiful hair

They settle and rest beneath her ear

I just want her to hear

My heart and me

Beat in tune

For her.

                

selah...another song.

"Dear God,
Hope you got the letter and
I pray you can make it better down here.
I don't need a big reduction in the price of beer;
And all the people that you made in your image,
See them starving on their feet
'Cause they don't get enough to eat
From God,
I can't believe in you.

Dear God,
Sorry to disturb you, but
I feel that I should be heard loud and clear.
We all need a big reduction in the amount of tears;
And all the people that you made in your image,
See them fighting in the street
'Cause they can't make opinions meet
About God,
I can't believe in you.

Did you make disease, and the diamond blue?
Did you make mankind, after we made you?
And the devil too?!

Dear God,
Don't know if you noticed, but
Your name is on a lot of quotes in this book.
Us crazy humans wrote it, you should take a look,
And all the people that you made in your image,
Still believing that junk is true
Well I know it ain't, and so do you

Dear God,
I can't believe in...
I don't believe in...

I dont believe in heaven or hell.
No saints, no sinner, no devil as well.
No pearly gates, no thorny crown.
You're always letting us humans down.
The wars you bring, the babes you drown.
Those lost at sea and never found,
It's the same the whole world 'round.
The hurt I see helps to compound
The Father, the Son, the Holy Ghost
It's just somebody's unholy hoax
If you're up there you'd perceive
That's my heart upon my sleeve.
If there's one thing I don't believe in.....

It's you.....
Dear God."

selah.

song...

"i'm still alive but I'm barely breathing
Just prayin' to a god that I don't believe in
Cos I got time while she got freedom
Cos when a heart breaks no it don't break even

Her best days will be some of my worst
She finally met a man that's gonna put her 1st
While I'm wide awake she's no trouble sleeping
Cos when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven... even... no

What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you and
What am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and your ok
I'm falling to pieces yeah
I'm falling to pieces

They say bad things happen for a reason
But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding
Cos she's moved on while I'm still grieving
And when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven even... no

What am I gonna to do when the best part of me was always you and
What am I suppose to say when I'm all choked up and your ok
I'm falling to pieces yeah
I'm falling to pieces yeah
I'm falling to pieces 
(One still in love while the other ones leaving
I'm falling to pieces 
(Cos when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven)

Oh you got his heart and my heart and none of the pain
You took your suitcase, I took the blame.
Now I'm tryna make sense of what little remains ooh
Cos you left me with no love and no love to my name.

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing
Just prayin' to a god that I don't believe in
Cos I got time while she got freedom
Cos when a heart breaks no it don't break 
No it don't break 
No it don't break even no

What am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you and
What am I suppose to say when I'm all choked up and your ok 
(Oh glad your okay now)
I'm falling to pieces yeah 
(Oh I'm glad your okay)
I'm falling to pieces yeah 
(One still in love while the other ones leaving)
I'm falling to pieces 
(Cos when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven)

Oh it don't break even no
Oh it don't break even no
Oh it don't break even no"

by the script.

i just think it is a fully realised account of dealing with heartache. extremely eloquent.

depression and suicide.

i was in the middle of those difficult teenage years when i first connected depression to suicide. i had always had the dis-balance of  the extrovert-introvert. my inner life and my outer life were as distinct as night and day. i was the happy boy at school, full of quiet mischief and barely lovable incompetence.at home i was a shadow, barely walking the walk i talked, out to some, in to others, the perfect picture of a breakdown waiting to happen.

and so it happened.

one fine day i stood on the roof of the family apartment and looked down at the grass below. the grass would not break my fall. i looked out into the skyline of the city and thought of my family in ruins and all the little tragedies that made up my blossoming life. it was there that i first thought of jumping off that roof into the freedom of the ground below. i came face to face with the seed of a depression that can grow into the tree of suicide.

to those that live outside the shadows this is all bunkum. sad things happen. move on. grow a stronger heart. this is a misunderstanding of the nature of what it is to be a depressive. it is an overwhelming feeling that futility is the foundation on which the slowly moving earth is built. there are no quick answers to this person. the world is a bundle of joy one minute and a cursed wasteland the next. it is the state of a fractured soul. i would like to say that love can cure this broken heart but in many cases it is just the begginning. it must come out of the shadows and endure the burning sun until it is healed. it must embrk on a lifelong search for worth amongst the remains of a formerly transcendental life. the journey is long but it is possible. suicide is not a solution to depression the same way numbness is not the solution to the vagaries of love. the soul must come out into the sun of life and find meaning in the daily brightness of the illumination God offers.

the depressive must do this.

i must do this.

the anthem.generation

"Me and all my friends  We're all misunderstood  They say we stand for nothing and There's no way we ever could  Now we see everything is going wrong  With the world and those who lead it  We just feel like we don't have the means  To rise above and beat it  So we keep waiting (waiting)  Waiting on the world to change  We keep on waiting (waiting)  Waiting on the world to change  Its hard to beat the system  When we're standing at a distance  So we keep waiting (waiting)  Waiting on the world to change  Now if we had the power  To bring our neighbors home from war  They would've never missed a Christmas  No more ribbons on their door  When you trust your television  What you get is what you got  Cuz when they own the information ooohhh,  They can bend it all they want  So while we're waiting (waiting)  Waiting on the world to change  We keep on waiting (waiting)  Waiting on the world to change  It's not that we don't care  We just know that the fight ain't fair So we keep on waiting (waiting)  Waiting on the world to change  We're still waiting (waiting)  Waiting on the world to change  We keep on waiting (waiting)  Waiting on the world to change  One day our generation  Is gonna rule the population  So we keep on waiting (waiting)  Waiting on the world to change  No, we keep on waiting (waiting)  Waiting on the world to change  We keep on waiting (waiting)  Waiting on the world to change  Waiting on the world to change  Waiting on the world to change  Waiting on the world to change."   (from "waiting on the world to change" music and lyrics by john mayer)  one day our generation......

the anthem.

"Take these shoes
Click clacking down some dead end street
Take these shoes
And make them fit
Take this shirt
Polyester white trash made in nowhere
Take this shirt
And make it clean, clean
Take this soul
Stranded in some skin and bones
Take this soul
And make it sing

Yahweh, Yahweh
Always pain before a child is born
Yahweh, Yahweh
Still I'm waiting for the dawn

Take these hands
Teach them what to carry
Take these hands
Don't make a fist
Take this mouth
So quick to criticise
Take this mouth
Give it a kiss

Yahweh, Yahweh
Always pain before a child is born
Yahweh, Yahweh
Still I'm waiting for the dawn

Still waiting for the dawn, the sun is coming up
The sun is coming up on the ocean
This love is like a drop in the ocean
This love is like a drop in the ocean

Yahweh, Yahweh
Always pain before a child is born
Yahweh, tell me now
Why the dark before the dawn?

Take this city
A city should be shining on a hill
Take this city
If it be your will
What no man can own, no man can take
Take this heart
Take this heart
Take this heart
And make it break"

amen.

(from "yahweh"- lyrics and music by u2).

a prayer for adanma.

father,

she is my sister,

father,

she is my friend,

father,

you are her lover

father,

i wanted to be you.

and i am so sorry

keep her living on your angels' wings. keep her looking toward the light. do not let her be normal. give her the curse of never fitting in. may she not be anyone but herself. may she live up to the beauty outside. may she be like the beauty inside. may she love with an open heart. and give her heart in the places you create for her awesome love to flow. and may no man make her feel less than you see of her. and if they do may she have the wisdom to walk slowly back to you.

she is my sister,

she is my friend

you are her lover

i wanted to be you

and i am so sorry

may her name be printed boldly in the book of extra-ordinary lives. and may she dwell in this torrent of grace. that her name, emblazoned on the first rock on earth, may speak to all her children and speak of the beautiful first daughter of God.

make her free of me and the guilt of me. make her free to be who you say she is. and that only. so free of me. i let go. it is hard. she is so beautiful. it is so, so hard. but i do.

for,

she is my sister

she is my friend

you are her lover

i wanted to be you

and i am so sorry.

amen.

so, what next? this v. that.

i hardly slept last night. my mind was alive to the peculiar place i am in. i had two phone calls and two extended chat sessions. love was in the air but the imbalance and disbalance of it. the curve of it away from the joy of it, the lesson of it, the hurt and heal of it. the second call i had was most instructive. it slid from the safe borders of propriety into the dark shadows of irresponsibility. it was saved by the coming of the dawn and the sure knowledge that this was not me as advertised or as is.

the other versions of communication had their own inner lights, of me leaving my pain aside and using it to help others.

has it come to this: this. or. that.

the light or the dark.

i chose the light.

no more dark.

lord,help me live out.

lord, help me love without fear.

lord, as your son sang:"just keep me where the light is."

love is grace not karma.2.where to put the pain.

it has happened. the sure end of a blossoming love. you never plan for the ache of love, for it exploding in your face. you can never really prepare for the sudden appearance of a problem, a tempest, some ill wind that takes your ship to the rock of reality, that overated thing we mistakenly call growing up. it is really growing down, de-composition, the steady call of a sudden death. there is always the need to rationalise what has happened. to make theology out of human error. but love is not one experience or one outcome. it is the requirement for a journey of meaning. we may love, as best we know how, and still lose. our love may be rejected or held inadequate under the light of another's reflection. we may not get to express it in the way we want.

most recently my love has been rejected, my heart given back to me. i have just had to swallow my own words of love. what do you do with the rising pain of a fallen love? i have had this discussion with my companions on this journey. i have heard diverse answers. i am still in the process of discovering what i believe. it is weird to feel this way. so powerless to turn the tide. so useless against the giant called choice.

what do i do with this pain?

i heal. i do not give up on the question of love. i refuse to be bitter. i refuse to let it turn into hate. it will not change me into a shell. it will not shrink my dreams or becloud my judgement. i will set sail tommorow on a voyage for my mrs. blue. i will find the her that makes the me a little more complete, my partner in this journey to the stars. the alchemy may be discredited as a union but love is not. and never will be.