finding my religion

It was not too long ago that I had no doubt in me about who I was or what that meant in terms of living. The morning roll out of bed led me to my knees and between the pages of the greatest article of my faith. Now, I just roll out of bed. There is something lost in the withering days, some precious part of myself that I cannot find in present worship. It is true the seed must go into the ground, mimicking death, before it rises to die again. Somewhere between these two illustrations may lie my true state.
It is a hard fall to make from your estimation of yourself. It is not easy to admit that you have been falling and not rising. For we are not more than misplaced egos, temples to our own greatness and constant preachers, believers in our own personal gospel. It is not easy to admit that you have lost your way after being found. Ask King David who discovered a separate purpose by staring down at a translucent figure springing up from a pool of water, basked in total beauty. There was adultery and conspiracy and murder. Yet the throne was quiet until the prophet came with the news of God’s anger at, even, royal sin from a lovely king. We are like the fallen king. We hate sin and sinner as long as we are not given any of those monikers. We are unable to give grace outside but willing to escape the guilt inside. Takers but not givers of love or grace. No one I have met is yet a perfect picture of the Christ himself. Isaiah chapter two tells us, in the first few verses, who we can be and, in the latter part, who we are now. The latter flourish does not paint a flattering picture. When we read this book we are reading from a book of prophecy so we must not forget that it speaks of present state in light of future destination. The world as a whole is not whole. From continent to continent there is much to worry about and much to criticize. We may have had some ‘progress’ in areas to do with comfort and political organization but for so many and even us there is the feeling and knowledge that we are not yet at our best, that the narrow way still holds much more than the scourge of present living and we still seem unable to break the everyday violence of life. There is nowhere on this planet where life, by itself, is full.
I wake up every day with a fierce desire in me. It is physical, seeking pleasure, and it is spiritual, seeking fulfillment. They are opposed desires, at first glance, but their battle will determine the destination of my soul. Desire has been at the epicenter of human advancement but to really be fruitful it must be going somewhere. It cannot be an endless journey. It, like everything else, must find a home.
I have found or been found by the idea that my home is God. I do not think there is anything to match true fellowship with the ultimate deity. My whole life, it seems, has been a quest for the true religion of living in God. Nothing else gets me really going, I run out of air. Nothing else stays, I get lost in any other river.
So now I seek to find that narrow path daily where both desires become one and I am no longer at war with myself. Failing at it has somehow made it more beautiful, lovelier, more there. Failure has corrected and will correct me. I hope to live and love and be ensconced in the great river beyond twin-desire, beyond failure, beyond self. When I was a child paradise was an orange sunrise, the taste of particular cereal, my mother’s arms. Now I know these things to be inklings of an even greater reality, the finding of home, the end of a quest.
The question has always been: how should we live? I believe that we are all part of the eternal story and while we must face the temporal episodes with boldness and grace we must never forget above all that is the reality of an incarnation, a virgin birth, a life of glory, an innocent death and a resurrection to the life forever. This is my religion and I hope to always be found within its holy pages.

a (brief) history of violence

There are many things wrong with our nation but none as imperative to the moment as the issue of violence. Violence has recently taken lives in Abuja, Jos and Maiduguri. It has been elevated into the national psyche by the ‘innovation’ of concealed bombs and drive-by shootings on a consistent level. These are the most common and recent symptoms but they are not the only pointers to the disease that threatens our community. We have all heard the tales of fathers killed, mothers threatened, sisters raped and brothers left with the unholy taste for vengeance in their mouths. The reality of these sad events creates a cycle of violence that can only assure the end of our society if carried through to its illogical conclusion.
Now, not later, is the time to address the question of violence in our society. We must provide answers to why it goes on untouched, sinking deeper and deeper into the mire of our experience, claiming more and more lives, stifling democracy, dashing hopes, creating fear and futility against the noble idea that a human life, any human life is sacred. For if we take value from any life we take from all and when we take it for granted when anyone is killed we may become accomplices to our own imminent murder.

How do we address this as individuals? For the role of the state is clear and I am sure commentator after commentator over the coming days and weeks will speak of how the government is failing and the political class is a mess. I am more concerned, here, in what the individual can and must do in reaction to such violence, especially that individual of the faith. When I speak to my friends on the issue of violence they usually, in the heat of the debate, quote from to bible and say, in effect: “the state does not hold the sword for nothing but as an instrument of God to administer justice upon the earth.” It is a fine quote from the New Testament. It seems to suggest that the state wield force for the sake of doing what is just and protecting that which is sacred. But what do you do when the state itself is unjust or incompetent? Could this verse apply to those in Hitler’s Germany or Stalin’s Russia or Mugabe’s Zimbabwe? What do we do in the face of a state that yields the sword for its own end?
Of course the scripture still applies because the apostle was talking to Christians under the imperial rule of Rome. Yet I think it is an ignorant and dangerous thing to isolate the reaction to violence to this singular verse which was spoken as a guide for Christians to follow the law of the land. In reaction to violence we have rich store of quotes: “blessed are the peacemakers…” “…and the lion shall lie down with the lamb.” “…shall study war no more.” “Love your enemies.” “We wrestle not against flesh or blood...”

If the earlier scripture seems to tell the state to be violent for justice sake the latter verses seem to tell the individual to be pacifist for holiness sake. In fact Christ was a victim of gross violence and he said: “those who live by the sword die by the sword.”
When I hear of violence across Nigeria and the world it scares me. I think of the people that I love and where they live. It is then I desire private militias and a storehouse of weapons for “protection.” I think of an eye for an eye modified to be a hand to my face so you cannot reach my eye.

I am not a pure pacifist but I believe that when violence becomes an option for the individual cooler heads will not prevail. I am afraid that when we claim it as permissible it will become necessary. I am convinced that all it will do is escalate the situation to the point where every home is a fortress and every street is a war zone. Violence is not the answer to violence.
For Nigeria to survive we must build a community of peace and justice. Peace ensures that violence is never a viable option; justice ensures that evil is always challenged and defeated. The church must be a leader toward the light of peace and justice in our society. We must never hate, never use violence as retaliation, and never reduce the battle between good and evil to one between religions. There are mad men of every faith.

The state must protect its citizens, sometimes with force, but the citizen must never take the role of the state in doing so. It is hard and many are hurting but if we are ruled by hate and revenge the history of violence will always be present and never past. We fight for democracy, for credible elections, for forthright leaders so we can transform our fractured state into a community of peace and justice. We do not fight in vain and if we are vigilant and endure through the dark night of doubt we will wake up to a morning where the violence we have so feared is a passing dream, part of a regrettable piece of history.