"Steal my heart and hold my tongueI feel my time My time has comeLet me inUnlock the doorI never felt this way beforeAnd the wheels just keep on turningThe drummer begins to drumI don’t know which way I’m goingI don’t know which way I’ve comeHold my head inside your handsI need someone who understands I need someone, someone who hearsFor you I’ve waited all these yearsFor you I’d wait 'til kingdom comeUntil my day, my day is doneAnd say you'll come and set me freeJust say you'll wait, you'll wait for meIn your tears and in your bloodIn your fire and in your floodI hear you laugh, I heard you singI wouldn’t change a single thingAnd the wheels just keep on turningThe drummers begin to drumI don’t know which way I’m goingI don’t know what I’ve becomeFor you I’d wait 'til kingdom comeUntil my days, my days are doneAnd say you'll come and set me freeJust say you'll wait, you'll wait for meJust say you'll wait, you'll wait for meJust say you'll wait, you'll wait for me."
this is a coldplay song from the "x and y"album. it is one of my favourite love songs and i thought of it today. the tone is very much like a declaration toward that idea of what true love is and "waiting" for it. in that love ,where the object is also the subject and the giver will also receive, is a semblance of the mirror, the shadow God seeks to create in the incompetent meanderings of us men and women. i thought of if my love for ada measured up to that idea of seeing her as perfect and then walking with her toward that end. in truth it did not. there is possibly a five percent chance i will get another chance with her but the idea is not for us to hit the target. it is for us to fail at it and then align more with the person that is love Himself. but to try is enough. to risk is golden. to not grow cold is the key to staying alive. to be alive is to be in hope and the great possibility of change. we fail so that we might find true hope. in hoping again and again through adversity we find faith. and faith is hope that will be fulfilled in final love. there are no real mistakes in love. only longer and shorter routes to the same glorious conclusion.
i pray that we all hold on in hope and through faith, through mishaps and aches, refuse to grow cold, until we find in God that love that lasts till kingdom come. and then, way beyond.........
Friday, December 5, 2008
Thursday, December 4, 2008
the GOD series: psalm 77 and psalm 67:God as first principle and last hope.
i was thinking, on my way to work this morning, about the question of God. it is the question. if He exists, that it is the most important question to face. if he does not then it is the most mundane question there is. the question of the question is the first thing to answer in discovering what being human means, in finding our real purpose or lack of it.
from the title you already know where i stand. God first appeared to me in whispers of right and wrong, then in the song and dance and festivity in my liberal, "unreligious" church, then as something more, then as someone more, as a real experience and a reason to approach life as a joy and not as a chore.
we had many conversations on buses as i made my seventeen year old way to and fro gwagwalada in my first year of university. and in school i sought him in religious orders and fellowship meetings, seeing him as honey dripping from the mouth of the blessed few. but he was not enough there. i sought him in the songs sang and the book read and liberated from the tyranny of clergymen and scholars . but he was too small in fine print. i sought him in friendships with the godly and in meetings away from the godless. but He is not found in effort or by sweat of brow. and i had been found long before i ever looked. the illusion is that you can find GOD. God always finds you. what you find by yourself is a god you can explain and love as object and be proud that you love your brilliant deserved object. God lives you no room to be proud. He is not into flattering you. He is into revealing who you honestly are so He can lead you to who you truly are. there is too much voodoo in the church today. too much waiting for a magic wand to sweep away responsibility and give a false sense of certainty. the only certainty is God. He is the most natural being in the universe. miracles are needed less and less as we draw toward the real experience of knowing him as Him. this is what i find in the daily freedom of becoming His son. it is more liberating than the false sense of being free we get by "making our own decisions". true freedom is in making the right decisions, in aligning with the divine will.
i might sound certain about all this but i am not. i am wrong in places and barely right in others. do not seek solace in my seeming certainty. find your own damn bus. take a trip to an unfamiliar place and get familiar with yahweh, all ready to explain who HE is to you. you.
p.s. the psalms are a result of my recent struggles ( and i mean more than the thing with adanma when i say this). they show states that are familiar to the common trend amongst those seeking God as first principle and last hope. en-joy reading them
from the title you already know where i stand. God first appeared to me in whispers of right and wrong, then in the song and dance and festivity in my liberal, "unreligious" church, then as something more, then as someone more, as a real experience and a reason to approach life as a joy and not as a chore.
we had many conversations on buses as i made my seventeen year old way to and fro gwagwalada in my first year of university. and in school i sought him in religious orders and fellowship meetings, seeing him as honey dripping from the mouth of the blessed few. but he was not enough there. i sought him in the songs sang and the book read and liberated from the tyranny of clergymen and scholars . but he was too small in fine print. i sought him in friendships with the godly and in meetings away from the godless. but He is not found in effort or by sweat of brow. and i had been found long before i ever looked. the illusion is that you can find GOD. God always finds you. what you find by yourself is a god you can explain and love as object and be proud that you love your brilliant deserved object. God lives you no room to be proud. He is not into flattering you. He is into revealing who you honestly are so He can lead you to who you truly are. there is too much voodoo in the church today. too much waiting for a magic wand to sweep away responsibility and give a false sense of certainty. the only certainty is God. He is the most natural being in the universe. miracles are needed less and less as we draw toward the real experience of knowing him as Him. this is what i find in the daily freedom of becoming His son. it is more liberating than the false sense of being free we get by "making our own decisions". true freedom is in making the right decisions, in aligning with the divine will.
i might sound certain about all this but i am not. i am wrong in places and barely right in others. do not seek solace in my seeming certainty. find your own damn bus. take a trip to an unfamiliar place and get familiar with yahweh, all ready to explain who HE is to you. you.
p.s. the psalms are a result of my recent struggles ( and i mean more than the thing with adanma when i say this). they show states that are familiar to the common trend amongst those seeking God as first principle and last hope. en-joy reading them
Monday, December 1, 2008
bleak but blessed.
i have been crying. i fully admit it. i have the pain in my eye and the soreness in my throat.
i have also been laughing, inside, in the places where real joy is possible. it is not a contradiction to do both. in fact it is the hallmark of what one of my flamingoes calls "truthfools". those of us that have foolishly committed our lives to the idea and reality that truth is knowable and doable on this side of existence. so i have been crying and laughing over the woman i love and the very real possibilty that i have lost her forever. it is a bleak but blessed time.
it is bleak because i am wrestling with career decisions, personal foibles and the loss of the certainty of the beautiful woman who spent two months boldly by my side in everything and whom i still hope to share life with.
blessed because of the word hope. the idea that my character is setting, that i am learning from my many mistakes, that i am being shown my real humble state so i can finally encounter the five fingers of grace. blessed because of faith. the idea that God is working me out and walking with me. that He is the ultimate decider of my fate, that i am not the victim of random happenstance. that my tears mean something to him and they count in his eternal book and its eternal story playing out in the great hall of lovely potraits. blessed because love is the final silver lining and it does not fail. it is up and about and it only breaks your heart to renew it and set it off into the full experience of living. i am laughing through the tears because this is only a day in the life of being and finally we will, if we accept that blessing and are given the grace to, we will step into that day that never ends. to live in the love of japan forever.
i have also been laughing, inside, in the places where real joy is possible. it is not a contradiction to do both. in fact it is the hallmark of what one of my flamingoes calls "truthfools". those of us that have foolishly committed our lives to the idea and reality that truth is knowable and doable on this side of existence. so i have been crying and laughing over the woman i love and the very real possibilty that i have lost her forever. it is a bleak but blessed time.
it is bleak because i am wrestling with career decisions, personal foibles and the loss of the certainty of the beautiful woman who spent two months boldly by my side in everything and whom i still hope to share life with.
blessed because of the word hope. the idea that my character is setting, that i am learning from my many mistakes, that i am being shown my real humble state so i can finally encounter the five fingers of grace. blessed because of faith. the idea that God is working me out and walking with me. that He is the ultimate decider of my fate, that i am not the victim of random happenstance. that my tears mean something to him and they count in his eternal book and its eternal story playing out in the great hall of lovely potraits. blessed because love is the final silver lining and it does not fail. it is up and about and it only breaks your heart to renew it and set it off into the full experience of living. i am laughing through the tears because this is only a day in the life of being and finally we will, if we accept that blessing and are given the grace to, we will step into that day that never ends. to live in the love of japan forever.
i want to build a legend with room for two..me and adanma ezegbulam(then, banu)
adanma wants a break from me. i understand.i have a dark room inside me that i seldom go to. a place so light starved that it feeds on happiness and the excess of need. such a lightforce should not be by my side. but she will be. there is the ying and she is my yang. there is the dark and she is my light. there is the wrong and she makes me right. i want to give up on her but i can not. i have to see this to the end. i have to find the end of this rainbow in her eyes, this solar system in her head, this universe in her deep heart.
truth is she is the most beautiful woman on earth, aphrodite, helen, creator and created, giver and reciever, complete by herself in God. if there is any possibility that my kids can have her dna i will take it. for her to agree to share my bloodline would be an honour i can not repay. i know i am hyping her but my God hear this girl's heartbeat and try not to be me. she is every song, every woman, every poem i know in brilliant, outer light. to have her raise my daughter to be like her and better is the focus of my romantic life.
adanma has a break from me. she may never return. she may meet some unsung prince and find love away from me. that is the risk in loving. that love might find another way to express itself, another path away from you. but she has left me richer, fuller, more ready for love.
if you know her, tell her for me that i want to share my dark room and every other room i have with her. i want to write her name in the sky. it is firmly written in my heart. i love her. tell her her stone-covered ring is bought and kept, that the alchemy grows everyday in my heart, that 1409 was the best day of my life. that i cry when i think of a world without her. tell her she is the first and last mrs blue. tell her she is my legend and there is room for her in me. when she chooses. i am waiting. for her. only her.
truth is she is the most beautiful woman on earth, aphrodite, helen, creator and created, giver and reciever, complete by herself in God. if there is any possibility that my kids can have her dna i will take it. for her to agree to share my bloodline would be an honour i can not repay. i know i am hyping her but my God hear this girl's heartbeat and try not to be me. she is every song, every woman, every poem i know in brilliant, outer light. to have her raise my daughter to be like her and better is the focus of my romantic life.
adanma has a break from me. she may never return. she may meet some unsung prince and find love away from me. that is the risk in loving. that love might find another way to express itself, another path away from you. but she has left me richer, fuller, more ready for love.
if you know her, tell her for me that i want to share my dark room and every other room i have with her. i want to write her name in the sky. it is firmly written in my heart. i love her. tell her her stone-covered ring is bought and kept, that the alchemy grows everyday in my heart, that 1409 was the best day of my life. that i cry when i think of a world without her. tell her she is the first and last mrs blue. tell her she is my legend and there is room for her in me. when she chooses. i am waiting. for her. only her.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
the bus-stop...connecting again.
Those strands of brown-flecked hair, that presence never barely there
The full woman before my eye
Moonshine illumination for those that are blind
And there i sit, learning again, how to love and be received
What to sieve, that there is nothing to withhold
And everything to give.
So we sit
My fingers brush beautiful hair
They settle and rest beneath her ear
I just want her to hear
My heart and me
Beat in tune
For her
We make it happen again
The magic, rain, alchemy, 52 and all other numbers
The bunking of the soul
Inner leading to outer
New places for ancient water.
So we sit
My fingers brush beautiful hair
They settle and rest beneath her ear
I just want her to hear
My heart and me
Beat in tune
For her
And when she leaves I watch her go
I am not sad or fed up
I am perfectly content to see her free
She is teaching me how to love
Completely free of the unfounded need
And ungrounded me.
So we sit
My fingers brush beautiful hair
They settle and rest beneath her ear
I just want her to hear
My heart and me
Beat in tune
For her.
selah...another song.
"Dear God,
Hope you got the letter and
I pray you can make it better down here.
I don't need a big reduction in the price of beer;
And all the people that you made in your image,
See them starving on their feet
'Cause they don't get enough to eat
From God,
I can't believe in you.
Dear God,
Sorry to disturb you, but
I feel that I should be heard loud and clear.
We all need a big reduction in the amount of tears;
And all the people that you made in your image,
See them fighting in the street
'Cause they can't make opinions meet
About God,
I can't believe in you.
Did you make disease, and the diamond blue?
Did you make mankind, after we made you?
And the devil too?!
Dear God,
Don't know if you noticed, but
Your name is on a lot of quotes in this book.
Us crazy humans wrote it, you should take a look,
And all the people that you made in your image,
Still believing that junk is true
Well I know it ain't, and so do you
Dear God,
I can't believe in...
I don't believe in...
I dont believe in heaven or hell.
No saints, no sinner, no devil as well.
No pearly gates, no thorny crown.
You're always letting us humans down.
The wars you bring, the babes you drown.
Those lost at sea and never found,
It's the same the whole world 'round.
The hurt I see helps to compound
The Father, the Son, the Holy Ghost
It's just somebody's unholy hoax
If you're up there you'd perceive
That's my heart upon my sleeve.
If there's one thing I don't believe in.....
It's you.....
Dear God."
Hope you got the letter and
I pray you can make it better down here.
I don't need a big reduction in the price of beer;
And all the people that you made in your image,
See them starving on their feet
'Cause they don't get enough to eat
From God,
I can't believe in you.
Dear God,
Sorry to disturb you, but
I feel that I should be heard loud and clear.
We all need a big reduction in the amount of tears;
And all the people that you made in your image,
See them fighting in the street
'Cause they can't make opinions meet
About God,
I can't believe in you.
Did you make disease, and the diamond blue?
Did you make mankind, after we made you?
And the devil too?!
Dear God,
Don't know if you noticed, but
Your name is on a lot of quotes in this book.
Us crazy humans wrote it, you should take a look,
And all the people that you made in your image,
Still believing that junk is true
Well I know it ain't, and so do you
Dear God,
I can't believe in...
I don't believe in...
I dont believe in heaven or hell.
No saints, no sinner, no devil as well.
No pearly gates, no thorny crown.
You're always letting us humans down.
The wars you bring, the babes you drown.
Those lost at sea and never found,
It's the same the whole world 'round.
The hurt I see helps to compound
The Father, the Son, the Holy Ghost
It's just somebody's unholy hoax
If you're up there you'd perceive
That's my heart upon my sleeve.
If there's one thing I don't believe in.....
It's you.....
Dear God."
selah.
song...
"i'm still alive but I'm barely breathing
Just prayin' to a god that I don't believe in
Cos I got time while she got freedom
Cos when a heart breaks no it don't break even
Her best days will be some of my worst
She finally met a man that's gonna put her 1st
While I'm wide awake she's no trouble sleeping
Cos when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven... even... no
What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you and
What am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and your ok
I'm falling to pieces yeah
I'm falling to pieces
They say bad things happen for a reason
But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding
Cos she's moved on while I'm still grieving
And when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven even... no
What am I gonna to do when the best part of me was always you and
What am I suppose to say when I'm all choked up and your ok
I'm falling to pieces yeah
I'm falling to pieces yeah
I'm falling to pieces
(One still in love while the other ones leaving
I'm falling to pieces
(Cos when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven)
Oh you got his heart and my heart and none of the pain
You took your suitcase, I took the blame.
Now I'm tryna make sense of what little remains ooh
Cos you left me with no love and no love to my name.
I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing
Just prayin' to a god that I don't believe in
Cos I got time while she got freedom
Cos when a heart breaks no it don't break
No it don't break
No it don't break even no
What am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you and
What am I suppose to say when I'm all choked up and your ok
(Oh glad your okay now)
I'm falling to pieces yeah
(Oh I'm glad your okay)
I'm falling to pieces yeah
(One still in love while the other ones leaving)
I'm falling to pieces
(Cos when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven)
Oh it don't break even no
Oh it don't break even no
Oh it don't break even no"
Just prayin' to a god that I don't believe in
Cos I got time while she got freedom
Cos when a heart breaks no it don't break even
Her best days will be some of my worst
She finally met a man that's gonna put her 1st
While I'm wide awake she's no trouble sleeping
Cos when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven... even... no
What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you and
What am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and your ok
I'm falling to pieces yeah
I'm falling to pieces
They say bad things happen for a reason
But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding
Cos she's moved on while I'm still grieving
And when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven even... no
What am I gonna to do when the best part of me was always you and
What am I suppose to say when I'm all choked up and your ok
I'm falling to pieces yeah
I'm falling to pieces yeah
I'm falling to pieces
(One still in love while the other ones leaving
I'm falling to pieces
(Cos when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven)
Oh you got his heart and my heart and none of the pain
You took your suitcase, I took the blame.
Now I'm tryna make sense of what little remains ooh
Cos you left me with no love and no love to my name.
I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing
Just prayin' to a god that I don't believe in
Cos I got time while she got freedom
Cos when a heart breaks no it don't break
No it don't break
No it don't break even no
What am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you and
What am I suppose to say when I'm all choked up and your ok
(Oh glad your okay now)
I'm falling to pieces yeah
(Oh I'm glad your okay)
I'm falling to pieces yeah
(One still in love while the other ones leaving)
I'm falling to pieces
(Cos when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven)
Oh it don't break even no
Oh it don't break even no
Oh it don't break even no"
by the script.
i just think it is a fully realised account of dealing with heartache. extremely eloquent.
Monday, November 17, 2008
depression and suicide.
i was in the middle of those difficult teenage years when i first connected depression to suicide. i had always had the dis-balance of the extrovert-introvert. my inner life and my outer life were as distinct as night and day. i was the happy boy at school, full of quiet mischief and barely lovable incompetence.at home i was a shadow, barely walking the walk i talked, out to some, in to others, the perfect picture of a breakdown waiting to happen.
and so it happened.
one fine day i stood on the roof of the family apartment and looked down at the grass below. the grass would not break my fall. i looked out into the skyline of the city and thought of my family in ruins and all the little tragedies that made up my blossoming life. it was there that i first thought of jumping off that roof into the freedom of the ground below. i came face to face with the seed of a depression that can grow into the tree of suicide.
to those that live outside the shadows this is all bunkum. sad things happen. move on. grow a stronger heart. this is a misunderstanding of the nature of what it is to be a depressive. it is an overwhelming feeling that futility is the foundation on which the slowly moving earth is built. there are no quick answers to this person. the world is a bundle of joy one minute and a cursed wasteland the next. it is the state of a fractured soul. i would like to say that love can cure this broken heart but in many cases it is just the begginning. it must come out of the shadows and endure the burning sun until it is healed. it must embrk on a lifelong search for worth amongst the remains of a formerly transcendental life. the journey is long but it is possible. suicide is not a solution to depression the same way numbness is not the solution to the vagaries of love. the soul must come out into the sun of life and find meaning in the daily brightness of the illumination God offers.
the depressive must do this.
i must do this.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
the anthem.generation
We're all misunderstood They say we stand for nothing and There's no way we ever could Now we see everything is going wrong With the world and those who lead it We just feel like we don't have the means To rise above and beat it So we keep waiting (waiting) Waiting on the world to change We keep on waiting (waiting) Waiting on the world to change Its hard to beat the system When we're standing at a distance So we keep waiting (waiting) Waiting on the world to change Now if we had the power To bring our neighbors home from war They would've never missed a Christmas No more ribbons on their door When you trust your television What you get is what you got Cuz when they own the information ooohhh, They can bend it all they want So while we're waiting (waiting) Waiting on the world to change We keep on waiting (waiting) Waiting on the world to change It's not that we don't care We just know that the fight ain't fair So we keep on waiting (waiting) Waiting on the world to change We're still waiting (waiting) Waiting on the world to change We keep on waiting (waiting) Waiting on the world to change One day our generation Is gonna rule the population So we keep on waiting (waiting) Waiting on the world to change No, we keep on waiting (waiting) Waiting on the world to change We keep on waiting (waiting) Waiting on the world to change Waiting on the world to change Waiting on the world to change Waiting on the world to change." (from "waiting on the world to change" music and lyrics by john mayer) one day our generation...... |
the anthem.
"Take these shoes
Click clacking down some dead end street
Take these shoes
And make them fit
Take this shirt
Polyester white trash made in nowhere
Take this shirt
And make it clean, clean
Take this soul
Stranded in some skin and bones
Take this soul
And make it sing
Yahweh, Yahweh
Always pain before a child is born
Yahweh, Yahweh
Still I'm waiting for the dawn
Take these hands
Teach them what to carry
Take these hands
Don't make a fist
Take this mouth
So quick to criticise
Take this mouth
Give it a kiss
Yahweh, Yahweh
Always pain before a child is born
Yahweh, Yahweh
Still I'm waiting for the dawn
Still waiting for the dawn, the sun is coming up
The sun is coming up on the ocean
This love is like a drop in the ocean
This love is like a drop in the ocean
Yahweh, Yahweh
Always pain before a child is born
Yahweh, tell me now
Why the dark before the dawn?
Take this city
A city should be shining on a hill
Take this city
If it be your will
What no man can own, no man can take
Take this heart
Take this heart
Take this heart
And make it break"
Click clacking down some dead end street
Take these shoes
And make them fit
Take this shirt
Polyester white trash made in nowhere
Take this shirt
And make it clean, clean
Take this soul
Stranded in some skin and bones
Take this soul
And make it sing
Yahweh, Yahweh
Always pain before a child is born
Yahweh, Yahweh
Still I'm waiting for the dawn
Take these hands
Teach them what to carry
Take these hands
Don't make a fist
Take this mouth
So quick to criticise
Take this mouth
Give it a kiss
Yahweh, Yahweh
Always pain before a child is born
Yahweh, Yahweh
Still I'm waiting for the dawn
Still waiting for the dawn, the sun is coming up
The sun is coming up on the ocean
This love is like a drop in the ocean
This love is like a drop in the ocean
Yahweh, Yahweh
Always pain before a child is born
Yahweh, tell me now
Why the dark before the dawn?
Take this city
A city should be shining on a hill
Take this city
If it be your will
What no man can own, no man can take
Take this heart
Take this heart
Take this heart
And make it break"
amen.
(from "yahweh"- lyrics and music by u2).
Sunday, November 9, 2008
a prayer for adanma.
father,
she is my sister,
father,
she is my friend,
father,
you are her lover
father,
i wanted to be you.
and i am so sorry
keep her living on your angels' wings. keep her looking toward the light. do not let her be normal. give her the curse of never fitting in. may she not be anyone but herself. may she live up to the beauty outside. may she be like the beauty inside. may she love with an open heart. and give her heart in the places you create for her awesome love to flow. and may no man make her feel less than you see of her. and if they do may she have the wisdom to walk slowly back to you.
she is my sister,
she is my friend
you are her lover
i wanted to be you
and i am so sorry
may her name be printed boldly in the book of extra-ordinary lives. and may she dwell in this torrent of grace. that her name, emblazoned on the first rock on earth, may speak to all her children and speak of the beautiful first daughter of God.
make her free of me and the guilt of me. make her free to be who you say she is. and that only. so free of me. i let go. it is hard. she is so beautiful. it is so, so hard. but i do.
for,
she is my sister
she is my friend
you are her lover
i wanted to be you
and i am so sorry.
amen.
so, what next? this v. that.
i hardly slept last night. my mind was alive to the peculiar place i am in. i had two phone calls and two extended chat sessions. love was in the air but the imbalance and disbalance of it. the curve of it away from the joy of it, the lesson of it, the hurt and heal of it. the second call i had was most instructive. it slid from the safe borders of propriety into the dark shadows of irresponsibility. it was saved by the coming of the dawn and the sure knowledge that this was not me as advertised or as is.
the other versions of communication had their own inner lights, of me leaving my pain aside and using it to help others.
has it come to this: this. or. that.
the light or the dark.
i chose the light.
no more dark.
lord,help me live out.
lord, help me love without fear.
lord, as your son sang:"just keep me where the light is."
Saturday, November 8, 2008
love is grace not karma.2.where to put the pain.
it has happened. the sure end of a blossoming love. you never plan for the ache of love, for it exploding in your face. you can never really prepare for the sudden appearance of a problem, a tempest, some ill wind that takes your ship to the rock of reality, that overated thing we mistakenly call growing up. it is really growing down, de-composition, the steady call of a sudden death. there is always the need to rationalise what has happened. to make theology out of human error. but love is not one experience or one outcome. it is the requirement for a journey of meaning. we may love, as best we know how, and still lose. our love may be rejected or held inadequate under the light of another's reflection. we may not get to express it in the way we want.
most recently my love has been rejected, my heart given back to me. i have just had to swallow my own words of love. what do you do with the rising pain of a fallen love? i have had this discussion with my companions on this journey. i have heard diverse answers. i am still in the process of discovering what i believe. it is weird to feel this way. so powerless to turn the tide. so useless against the giant called choice.
what do i do with this pain?
i heal. i do not give up on the question of love. i refuse to be bitter. i refuse to let it turn into hate. it will not change me into a shell. it will not shrink my dreams or becloud my judgement. i will set sail tommorow on a voyage for my mrs. blue. i will find the her that makes the me a little more complete, my partner in this journey to the stars. the alchemy may be discredited as a union but love is not. and never will be.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
love is grace, not karma.1.finding or being found?
it has finally happened. i am finally, utterly in love and living it. it is strange how it happens totally out of the blue, without expecting it. it is strange that it comes after hiccups and false starts and the recieving and giving of heartache. it happened not in the way my heart advertised it. it did not happen because i willed it or drew it from the universe with positive thinking. it was not karma. it was grace.
i have done duty, i have done resilience, i have done the chase and the risk. i have done everthing to win love but in the end love won me. when i saw her i did not have to retreat to some mountain resort to mull over it. i did not need a second opinion. i could hear the heavens clearly. there was no rule book, no ancient play book, no steps to falling in love. it was as simple as letting go of...no, i won't even lie, i did nothing to get this done. it was grace and not karma.
now i am beset with the anxieties of love...will it last? will i bungle it? i have all the usual questions except one: is this for real? i know it is. deep, deep in my heart i have made the connection with what my mind picked up from that first day in the garden. i can use all the cliches in the world to desrcibe it but let me just say this...it feels like i am closer home than i have ever been. in a sense, i am home.
i have done duty, i have done resilience, i have done the chase and the risk. i have done everthing to win love but in the end love won me. when i saw her i did not have to retreat to some mountain resort to mull over it. i did not need a second opinion. i could hear the heavens clearly. there was no rule book, no ancient play book, no steps to falling in love. it was as simple as letting go of...no, i won't even lie, i did nothing to get this done. it was grace and not karma.
now i am beset with the anxieties of love...will it last? will i bungle it? i have all the usual questions except one: is this for real? i know it is. deep, deep in my heart i have made the connection with what my mind picked up from that first day in the garden. i can use all the cliches in the world to desrcibe it but let me just say this...it feels like i am closer home than i have ever been. in a sense, i am home.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
the right work ethic.
while we all hope to do the thing we love, we often have to make the compromise of doing the thing we hate, in the interim, until we have the means to support our real passions. in the circle of common wisdom this is called "being wise." work is such a burden for many because it is not what they imagined doing with the hours of their life in the starlit dreams of childhood. the work is a demotion from ambition and so they treat it as such. i treat it as such.
the truth is that no job is really beneath us. not if its aim is not to exploit and it aids in the building up of the world and not the breaking down of moral, financial or mental pillars that can set the world aright. the rule is "first do no harm." we will not spend our whole lives in the doldrums of an unwanted job,hopefully, but the places we pass on the road to el dorado will give us the character to appreciate the real value of time and effort. at the end the road of the journey is the destination in little parts. every part has its value and it should be treated as such.
the attitude to have is one of learning through the ups and downs. life is designed as a series of lessons,lectures. try to show up for every class.
the truth is that no job is really beneath us. not if its aim is not to exploit and it aids in the building up of the world and not the breaking down of moral, financial or mental pillars that can set the world aright. the rule is "first do no harm." we will not spend our whole lives in the doldrums of an unwanted job,hopefully, but the places we pass on the road to el dorado will give us the character to appreciate the real value of time and effort. at the end the road of the journey is the destination in little parts. every part has its value and it should be treated as such.
the attitude to have is one of learning through the ups and downs. life is designed as a series of lessons,lectures. try to show up for every class.
Monday, September 1, 2008
love and longing...
they call it the universal question but i think it is really the universal puzzle. it is not beautiful because it is known,it is beautiful because it is elusive,always somewhat in the realm of the unknown. it is that river that we see in dreams, in visions,in childhood remembrances. it is that piece of the sun that must only fall once for it to alter the internal structure of any live forever.
and so we long and we long through movies and music and musing and mishaps. we may console ourselves and fall back to first principles but we have all been burned by the fire of love. we love to long because the only thing better than having is being able to brood about the emptiness of not having.
but one fine day. maybe. we will see the warm arms of true love.
and so we long and we long through movies and music and musing and mishaps. we may console ourselves and fall back to first principles but we have all been burned by the fire of love. we love to long because the only thing better than having is being able to brood about the emptiness of not having.
but one fine day. maybe. we will see the warm arms of true love.
Thursday, August 28, 2008
on choice.
i am intrigued by the concept of choice. how much control do we really have?
how much of our faith, fate....is tied to what we choose. did we choose these things we are?
or are we merely products of the history that we play no part in?
these things may have no answer quick to the eye...but if we answer them, we get closer to the core of the real experience. for if we do not choose as much as we think or wish, then we may stop the great struggle to shape things and begin,instead, to be shaped by things greater than us.
how much of our faith, fate....is tied to what we choose. did we choose these things we are?
or are we merely products of the history that we play no part in?
these things may have no answer quick to the eye...but if we answer them, we get closer to the core of the real experience. for if we do not choose as much as we think or wish, then we may stop the great struggle to shape things and begin,instead, to be shaped by things greater than us.
Monday, August 18, 2008
to be inspired.
there are many dangers of living in any space, even cyberspace. yet it is better to live in danger than in safety. a safe heart will see no ill wind, but it will see nothing else. it will never grow, never stand, never become more. it is doomed to be safe and that is all.
to live a life seeking inspite of fear or safety is to live the door open to be inspired.
to live a life seeking inspite of fear or safety is to live the door open to be inspired.
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